I’ve been studying the social concept of Feedback for a while now and I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for.

Feedback, for me.

It’s not pretty. I don’t like it. Here’s what I’ve discovered.

I’m a dickhead.

At times I can be a dickhead, and that makes building awesome technology really hard. Or, to be more accurate. Sometimes the message I’m sending out doesn’t actually match how it is perceived.

This is what I need to work on.

I focus on difference

I feel as though there is far more strength in celebrating personal diversity and differences over commonality and conformity.

This get’s me into trouble most day’s of my life.

I may well have a healthy mind and a big heart but when it comes to working with people I tend to cause unexpected conflict. I focus on divergence. I make people the problem. I agitate with endless questions. I set people up to fail in order to isolate blockers. I spark instead of simmer. I find issues and not solutions. I’m intense, emotional, exhausting and controlling. I compare people. I compete. I mix messages. I take up all the space. I never shut up.

Do I want to change this?


I’d like to apologise

Firstly. For anyone who has ever had to work with me. I’d like to apologise.

I’m sorry.

I’ve probably made a number of hurtful, discouraging and down right incorrect statements about you that may have been difficult to shake off.

Rest assured, I’ve had the hurt returned in full. Along the way most people package it up and hit “return to sender”. I end up frazzled. That’s how I live my life. One conflict after another.

“Kahne. What’s going to happen when you pull on all of the threads you’re currently agitating?”

I pay the bill and it’s always hefty.

Why am I like this?

There’s just so much god damn injustice in the world.

I had lunch with my loving mother the other day and she filled in a few gaps.

“You’ve always been like that. Through school. Growing up. You have a gift for causing trouble. You assume the worst in people. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to give you the sort of modelling that would have shown you a way through life without the shit fight… You won’t get away with that sort of thing for ever Kahne.”

There’s just so much god damn injustice in the world.

I’m constantly in ‘battle stations’ mode.

Whether it be political unrest, violence, crime, corruption, sexism, danger, anger, the destruction of platonic love. Individuals, families, companies, countries. It’s all just a seething mess of “I win, fuck you”.

It’s like I’m actually trying to solve ‘that’ problem in my morning stand-ups.

Is shaking my fist at the sky an effective way of dealing with the world?

This is the one solid aspect of my life that is holding me back from being more awesome.

“It’s this sort of commentary that will make people think you’re not ready for leadership. As soon as you make it personal, you’ve lost the argument.”

I’m a walking contradiction. I love people.

I love being around people. I love the work that we do on a daily basis. The creativity, expression, collaboration, progressive innovation, social change and growth work I do in technology is mind blowing.

I absolutely love bringing people together. If I could I would do my job for free.

I now understand that if I want to be a more influential leader, when faced with dispute and chaos, I need to find a way to present stability, reliability and safety, and to be less of a dickhead.

Thank you for the feedback and for being so patient with me.